i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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