We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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