We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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