I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
