I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
