1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
