She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
