How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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