My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
