im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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