the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
