id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
