non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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