Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
