I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
What a dumb baby whore.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
