i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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