Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
