What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
