There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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