I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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