I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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