saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
