This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
