Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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