i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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