And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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