So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
