I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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