Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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