I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
