Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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