If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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