ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
