well he's currently spooning the coffee table
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
