i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
