when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
