Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
