Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's shark week go big or go home
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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