you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
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the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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