i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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