I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
