Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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