I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Of course I have a pirate flag
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
