The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
