I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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