You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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