the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
