You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Someone shit on the floor
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
