just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
