Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
