it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
