Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
