yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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