I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
