Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
