stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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