i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We need to get me chipped asap
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
