Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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